Harper sums it all up with his prize for the most promising newcomer: "Balls!"
The Committee Treasurer hands a well-deserved prize to an uncharacteristically underdressed Sparks for the longest, hardest, biggest, fastest, sexiest drive in the entire competition (and possibly the world). The prize was a design innovation from California: a combined golf scorer and sex aid - an entirely suitable reward for the dapper young Mr Sparks.
Sunday morning saw the "The Governor" of Rannoch House take his troops on a forced march through wind and rain to a historic site where, following his own experiences in Japanese Kaizen team-building exercises with the multinational corporation Compaq, he planned to mentally prepare everyone for the day's gruelling challenge by re-enacting a famous historic leap across a high gorge at Killiecrankie. Despite endless promises that the gap was easily jumpable, it turned out to be a good forty feet wide - perhaps time had eroded the original rockface?! Despite all manner of bribes, threats and pleas from their leader, the Dudley troops showed a distinct lack of interest in local tradition by declining to attempt the jump. The Governor later told the Editor that he plans to write up his experiences as part of his degree in Human Motivation at the University of Crieff.
BJ protests: I may be poor but I'm not that shite!
Confusion and embarrassment on Day 1 of the Dudley Open 2000: an unwitting announcement that "Brian scored 10 points" was met with disbelief and anger by a seething 'Nae Luck' Jennings. Order was restored when the confusion between the two Brians became clear. The Committee then accepted Jennings' request that such a mistake be avoided in future by giving him the official title "BJ". Jennings was relieved, and rather touched to know that his nickname comes from a cute kid's character, Barney the Dinosaur's friend. He said he was not actually familiar with this character much loved by America's toddlers, so here is a picture of BJ especially for him and all his loyal fans. Spot the family resemblance?
Footnote: A quick-witted receptionist at the hotel in Pitlochry also spotted the risk of causing unnecessary embarrassment to the two Brians by confusing their names, and opted to call one of them "Sooty" for convenience. The resemblance is uncanny...check it out.
And finally.....
The tournament's most descriptive and most used exclamation from the tee (other than "Fore!"): "PISSSHH!"
Thank you, Billy.
Editor : Graeme Fraser High
Webmaster : Brian Suttie
